August 31, 2010

I need to vent.

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:46 pm by kindoflove

Everybody is depending on me, and I don’t have anybody to depend on. I’m so tired, and I want to live my life and see my friends but my mom and nan doesn’t want me to because I have “duties around the house” I pay board to my mom for staying here, and I help out as much as I can.

The one day that I want to do something for myself, my mom wants me to go to the bank with my nan to make sure she doesn’t sign any papers. I don’t know anything about what their going to discuss tomorrow. I don’t want any part of it.

But of course when I aruge against my mom all I get “If nan loses her house, then its your fault because having fun was more important” No. Sorry, if nan loses her house it’s her own fault because she was behind the mortgage and when my mom and I both warned her before taking out another mortgage that down the road, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Look where we are now.

That shouldn’t be my problem to worry about. I love my nan and all, I hope she doesn’t lose her house but does my mom have to put that stress on me to worry about? Little things like this is the exact reason why I moved out in the first place because my mom and nan were holding me back from living my own life and making their problems, my problem.

I’m not good at dealing with little stressers as is, and this is HUGE. The fact that my mom is in the hospital is a huge stress but its all adding up now. I have been taking care of EVERYTHING and I’M STRESSED OUT. I havent even worried about my personal life until today, when I asked my nan if she could drive the car so I can get my stuff moved. Then I got yelled at for leaving it to the last minute when I asked her several times during the week and she told me she’d do it the next day. I have to downsize and actually move into my apartment but apparently it can wait.

Hello? It can’t wait. I want to stay at my own place and be away from my family. Not that I don’t love my family, but I can’t deal with the stress they put on my shoulders. I can see why Laurel was very protective that I got an apartment instead of moving back in with my mom. I understand it.

I want to keep being happy and keep my chin up. I want to get a job, I want to go to school but honestly? If I have this stress that I’m dealing with right now, I know I couldn’t handle the pressure of school.  At this point I feel like my mental health is on the line.

I’m trying to remember that God loves me and he’s not out to harm me. That’s not enough of what I have to hear. I know I have to put more trust in God but at this point, I’m still growing and I’m not comfortable with that.

I have already been down this road before and I do not want to go down it again. I don’t want to crawl in that hole of depression and stay home everyday. I don’t want to be scared to sit in a waiting area with a crowd of people, I don’t want to not go to the movies because I’m scared people will see me. I don’t want to live that life again.

I’m fighting so hard to stay strong.

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August 26, 2010

Fight

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:59 pm by kindoflove

I’m so frusterated.
I want to scream, cry, yell, run until my lungs feel like their about to burst. I want to punch something. I want to be alone, I want my old life back. Happy? I said it. I’ve been thinking about it, wrestling with those thoughts, fighting these feelings but really?

This whole week has shown me that I’m not built for the real world yet.  I’m just not. I can’t deal with stress, I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired, I’m sleepy. I’m hurting.

Bad news just keeps coming. My mom will be in the hospital longer then expected. Something is wrong with her bladder now. First it was her heart, then her blood, now her bladder. I don’t know what they will fix first. I’ll admit that I’m scared right now.

Back to my old life. I want my old life back. I’m tired of trying to keep up with being happy. It’s much easier to be sad and depressed. I’m not built for all this. I can’t deal with this stress. I was coping fine with finding a place to live. But my life for the past week has been Hospital -> nap in the hospital lobby during rest period -> hospital -> home -> restless sleep. I haven’t been eating. I have so much more to worry about like moving, and paying bills.

On the plus side I did find an apartment today. I don’t like it, but its livable.  Laurel was really worried with my moving back in with my mom as she thought I would be taking a step in the wrong direction. At this point, I don’t care. I got harped at because I didn’t want to move home. My nan managed to upset my mom again. Her heartrate was in the 90’s when that happend, nurse had to tell her to calm down.. I’m rambling, I’m sorry.

I tried to find a place to stay tonight because I couldnt bare staying in that house alone again. I was so close to that bottle of pills tonight. I was really fighting it til it got the point that I thought I should check into the hospital because my mental health is fragil right now and if I didn’t get out of there, I’m sure the pills would have won.

I’m staying with Jane for the night. Shes taking care of me and I’m truely thankful for that.

I’ll force food down and try to get some sleep, because I’m sure it will be a harder battle to fight tomorrow.

August 25, 2010

Alone

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:41 pm by kindoflove

I really don’t want to be here right now.

I feel so lonely, I’m so scared. I don’t want to be alone right now.

Pray

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:21 am by kindoflove

Well. After a long night of restless sleep..

I’m alive today.

I got in meaningful talk with a good friend last night. All this with my mom is stirring up old emotions that I never dealt with with my dad. I don’t like these emotions. I don’t want to deal with these emotions.

I shouldn’t be mad at God. I never should have been mad at God. I learned this last night after talking deeply with Courtney and Jenn. God loves me and hes not out to hurt me.  Courtney made me watch this video last night. It really changed how I felt.

I don’t know how to trust God fully yet. I don’t know how to be intimate with God.  Not that I don’t want that because I do.  I’m scared, like I said last night. I should pray about it, I am praying about it.

August 24, 2010

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:40 pm by kindoflove

I won’t sleep tonight.

Today was too much like the day my dad died. And I swear, if I get a phone call from the hospital at 4am, I will no longer be living by tomorrow. That’s a promise.

My day went as follows:

– Went with my mother for her EKG
– Mother sent to the ER because she had too many changes in her EKG
– Mother see’s a doctor about what’s going on
– Mother learns she has heart problems
– Several more tests
– Moved to critical care
– Several more tests
– Holly has to take a break because she’s been stressing all day, somebody finally rescued her.
– Holly spent several hours away during the blood transfusion
– Holly heads back for visiting hours
– Holly learns more bad news
– Holly leaves trying to hold it together
– Holly comes home and bursts into tears.

My life is falling apart.

I’m so worried. I’m worried about my mom, I’m worried about moving, I’m worried about where I’m going to live, I’m worried about whats going to happen next, I’m so worried.

Things just keep going wrong. I don’t understand. Do I deserve this?

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:52 pm by kindoflove

It’s crap like this that makes me think God is just playing with me. I get out of one mess and start to build my relationship with God again and something else happens that pushes me down. I struggled for so long and so hard not to lose God when I was battling the loss of my dad, then my mental illness, and every other little obstacle that was put in my way. I tried so hard not to feel abandoned and not cared about an nothing worked. I start to build my relationship with God again and something like this happens. How can I keep my faith and be strong through this when my whole world is tumbling down around me?

August 22, 2010

Stupid.

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:54 pm by kindoflove

Let’s crawl right back into that hole of hiding.

The day before I was suppose to sign the lease, the landlord emails me and tells me that she changed her mind and doesn’t want to rent to me. She stated reasons about how she didn’t want her grandkids disturbing me, and she’d like somebody who wasn’t home much.. Whats the point in having a place to live if you can’t live there? Rest assured I fully let her know that I loved kids and I could even keep a eye on them free of charge.

So now, a week before I have to move from Courtney’s apartment I have no place to go. Wonderful isn’t it?

I don’t understand where God wants me, is this his way of telling me to go to Bethany and not FBC? I just don’t understand. I was finally getting my life somewhat sorted out and now this happens? Why?

I can’t stand this stress much more. I have bills to catch up on (who knew somebody stealing $200 from you could throw your life that off balance), I found out a get family friend is sick with cancer and very ill, I need help moving things from the office (my bed and couch) to somewhere where I honestly don’t even know where now since I don’t have anywhere to go.

So in a week, I could be homeless.

Wonderful.

Now I understand.

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:19 pm by kindoflove

Now I understand why I wanted to be alone all those years or how it was so much easier to stay within the mental health community.  It’s such a embarrassment.

I know now that it was much more comfortable with people who were just like me and going through the same things I was going through. It’s much more different in the “real” world. People don’t ask you how well you are, or if you’ve had any recent episodes of downtime. They ask you “What are you doing now, are you studying?” It’s so hard to tell them that I’m not doing anything. I feel like such a failure.

I look at my friends and see how far they’ve come with their lives and see where I am now. I had to take that time to get better, to learn about myself and my struggles. I’m 22 but still I don’t have a job, I’ve never had a job, I’m not married, I have no plans to get married. What do I have to show for my life since high school? A few slit wrists, a addiction and a heap of emotional pain later? I don’t have anything to show for what I did for those three years.

I recently started attending a church that I went to up until the point where my illness started to become aggressive. I enjoyed it. Seeing faces and talking to people that watched me grow up until I fell off the map.

It’s hard talking to them because everyone asks me what I’m doing now, or since they seen me last. I don’t know what to say to them, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t want to flat out tell them that I’ve been from doctor to doctor, struggling through a mental illness, but what else can I say to them?

Someday s I just wish I never started to see people from my “old” life. I felt the same way when I first started seeing them, I still do sometimes. What do I have to show for all those years that I pushed myself into a dark corner.

I don’t know where my life is heading. I can’t go backwards. As much as going forwards scares me, I can’t go back to where I was.

August 20, 2010

Tralala

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:06 pm by kindoflove

tralalala I’m baking today ^^

Cookies – Check
Cupcakes – Check
Coconut Cream Pie – Check
Muffins – Check
Cake – in the oven

YUM!

August 12, 2010

trugging along

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:59 pm by kindoflove

So..

I really needed to get that rant out of my system.

Jon started talking to me again this week and it stirred up old emotions that I thought died.

That just started my downfall. I hated it. Today I got a good kick in the pants and now I’m in better spirits.

Tomorrow is my last day of this week in Falmouth. The Candy’s came home today which I am sooo soo sooo happy about. I hope I can sit down and talk to Janice a little. I like talking to Dustin about God and all but sometimes I don’t think he understands the way I think.

Anyways, moving on.

I’ll post future plans here in a bit. so sleepy.

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