August 31, 2010

I need to vent.

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:46 pm by kindoflove

Everybody is depending on me, and I don’t have anybody to depend on. I’m so tired, and I want to live my life and see my friends but my mom and nan doesn’t want me to because I have “duties around the house” I pay board to my mom for staying here, and I help out as much as I can.

The one day that I want to do something for myself, my mom wants me to go to the bank with my nan to make sure she doesn’t sign any papers. I don’t know anything about what their going to discuss tomorrow. I don’t want any part of it.

But of course when I aruge against my mom all I get “If nan loses her house, then its your fault because having fun was more important” No. Sorry, if nan loses her house it’s her own fault because she was behind the mortgage and when my mom and I both warned her before taking out another mortgage that down the road, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Look where we are now.

That shouldn’t be my problem to worry about. I love my nan and all, I hope she doesn’t lose her house but does my mom have to put that stress on me to worry about? Little things like this is the exact reason why I moved out in the first place because my mom and nan were holding me back from living my own life and making their problems, my problem.

I’m not good at dealing with little stressers as is, and this is HUGE. The fact that my mom is in the hospital is a huge stress but its all adding up now. I have been taking care of EVERYTHING and I’M STRESSED OUT. I havent even worried about my personal life until today, when I asked my nan if she could drive the car so I can get my stuff moved. Then I got yelled at for leaving it to the last minute when I asked her several times during the week and she told me she’d do it the next day. I have to downsize and actually move into my apartment but apparently it can wait.

Hello? It can’t wait. I want to stay at my own place and be away from my family. Not that I don’t love my family, but I can’t deal with the stress they put on my shoulders. I can see why Laurel was very protective that I got an apartment instead of moving back in with my mom. I understand it.

I want to keep being happy and keep my chin up. I want to get a job, I want to go to school but honestly? If I have this stress that I’m dealing with right now, I know I couldn’t handle the pressure of school.  At this point I feel like my mental health is on the line.

I’m trying to remember that God loves me and he’s not out to harm me. That’s not enough of what I have to hear. I know I have to put more trust in God but at this point, I’m still growing and I’m not comfortable with that.

I have already been down this road before and I do not want to go down it again. I don’t want to crawl in that hole of depression and stay home everyday. I don’t want to be scared to sit in a waiting area with a crowd of people, I don’t want to not go to the movies because I’m scared people will see me. I don’t want to live that life again.

I’m fighting so hard to stay strong.

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