August 26, 2010
Fight
I’m so frusterated.
I want to scream, cry, yell, run until my lungs feel like their about to burst. I want to punch something. I want to be alone, I want my old life back. Happy? I said it. I’ve been thinking about it, wrestling with those thoughts, fighting these feelings but really?
This whole week has shown me that I’m not built for the real world yet. I’m just not. I can’t deal with stress, I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired, I’m sleepy. I’m hurting.
Bad news just keeps coming. My mom will be in the hospital longer then expected. Something is wrong with her bladder now. First it was her heart, then her blood, now her bladder. I don’t know what they will fix first. I’ll admit that I’m scared right now.
Back to my old life. I want my old life back. I’m tired of trying to keep up with being happy. It’s much easier to be sad and depressed. I’m not built for all this. I can’t deal with this stress. I was coping fine with finding a place to live. But my life for the past week has been Hospital -> nap in the hospital lobby during rest period -> hospital -> home -> restless sleep. I haven’t been eating. I have so much more to worry about like moving, and paying bills.
On the plus side I did find an apartment today. I don’t like it, but its livable. Laurel was really worried with my moving back in with my mom as she thought I would be taking a step in the wrong direction. At this point, I don’t care. I got harped at because I didn’t want to move home. My nan managed to upset my mom again. Her heartrate was in the 90′s when that happend, nurse had to tell her to calm down.. I’m rambling, I’m sorry.
I tried to find a place to stay tonight because I couldnt bare staying in that house alone again. I was so close to that bottle of pills tonight. I was really fighting it til it got the point that I thought I should check into the hospital because my mental health is fragil right now and if I didn’t get out of there, I’m sure the pills would have won.
I’m staying with Jane for the night. Shes taking care of me and I’m truely thankful for that.
I’ll force food down and try to get some sleep, because I’m sure it will be a harder battle to fight tomorrow.
kindoflove
